Love in the Time of Peace Corps

“Kau Ngaue Ofa” is what the Peace Corps is called in the Pacific Island Kingdom of Tonga (where there have been volunteers since 1967 and still are, working in education and economic development). The translation is: “They work for love”. I learned this from a book I found at the staff office in Tirana. They have several shelves in the lounge for a book exchange among the volunteers. I drop books off and look for new ones to read whenever I visit. The plot involves volunteers serving in 1976. There are beautiful young people, sex, drugs, alcohol, a love triangle, a gruesome murder and cover up in a tropical setting. I am fairly certain it is not an official history.

Unlike my friends in the Preca Society, Peace Corps volunteers are not required to take a vow of chastity. With an average age of 27 (skewed upwards a bit by the 10% oldster volunteers like me) and a term of service of over two years, it is not surprising that there are many pairings among the volunteers and with others.

I don’t know the statistic for the survival of marriages among Peace Corps volunteers. Whatever they are, it would be hard to be worse than for the rest of Americans. I did know a few couples that had served together in the Peace Corps early in their marriage and it did seem that they had a special bond between them. Even if that is true, it is hard to know whether that is due to the personality type of a volunteer or to their shared experience. I did read in Scientific American that emotional bonds are strengthened by doing new things together, feeling vulnerable, sharing frightening situations or stressful physical activities. The Peace Corps provides ample opportunity for all of those.

Most of the relationships are with people outside of the Peace Corps. Volunteers are not allowed to have dependents, but extended visits from girl or boyfriends do occur. This can lead to early termination, but not usually initiated by the Peace Corps. One girl in our group left to be with her boyfriend who was actually serving in another country. She took a job teaching there, outside of the Peace Corps. Separations are hard enough before entering the Peace Corps and I am sure it doesn’t get easier with repetition. Not many relationships survive a 27 month separation. Maybe that is something that Peace Corps service has in common with the military.

Some find paramours outside of the PC, but not among nationals. This can be difficult since volunteers rarely serve in the capital and most of the ex-pat community lives there. Two female volunteers I know took up with foreign soccer players playing on Albanian league teams in their towns. They seemed like good guys, but it was funny because of the double language barrier. I suppose they could learn Shqip together, but at a young age, that probably doesn’t matter.

The majority in relationships are with Albanian nationals. I have heard that this is the best way to learn a new language and I do notice that those among the volunteers with Albanian boyfriends or girlfriends do seem to have superior language skills. I imagine their Albanian partners have likewise improved their English.

Cultural problems of these liaisons can be substantial. Tradition does not allow much dating between the sexes. It is only in the larger cities that one sees groups of women or girls in some of the coffee shops, or, gasp, boys and girls out together. Women volunteers complain that they cannot go out at night without ruining their reputations and a bad reputation can make it very hard to accomplish anything as a volunteer. Having coffee can imply a significant relationship between a man and woman, especially if they are alone. Even exchanging telephone numbers has much more social implications than in the US. There is a strong double standard. We were told in pre-service training that traditionally dating is expected to lead to an engagement and engagement is expected to lead to marriage. All this is changing, of course. In Tirana and bigger regional cities these traditions no longer apply. Groups and even individual women do go out at night. My high school students date and many are sexually active. But what is true in a larger, regional center like Korca, is not the case in smaller cities or towns and villages. It can be difficult for the young volunteers to navigate. Dating in the modern age is difficult enough. Sometimes the social difficulties engendered by these entanglements require that the volunteers involved are transferred to new sites because of resentment in the community or even threats on physical safety.

I wonder at the Albanians, trading their traditional culture for the modern minefield. Some of my friends from back home are so burnt out by the experience that they have searched on line for Russian mail-order brides (are they now “e-mail-order brides”?), or have considered moving to the Philippines for a less expensive lifestyle and, maybe, hopefully, fewer difficulties in their relationships. It seems a faint hope, since few of them seem to have succeeded in their quests. I might suggest Albania to them, but one of the goals of the PC is “gender development”. By the time they get here, it is likely to be up to European standards of cost (both financial and emotional) and gender roles.

Still, I am told that an American passport is a powerful aphrodisiac. Remember Albanians call obtaining a visa to live and work in the US “winning the lottery”. I suppose some regard dating an American of whatever age, appearance or sexual persuasion akin to buying a ticket. Even I have been offered introductions, which is surprising since I am of an age that Albanians regard as only fit to spend the day drinking coffee or raki and sitting in a park playing dominos.

Lucky for me and unexpected, the Peace Corps placed a lovely, retired social worker from Oklahoma in my service group and in a city that is reachable by a single, although long, bus ride. We seem to have more in common than just our PC service and have hit it off pretty well. I might suspect that some Peace Corps bureaucrat dabbles in match making, but my experience to date makes me seriously doubt they have that degree of subtlety. Maybe I will have to reconsider.